The People I Have Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE.

THE MARTINI GLASS

by ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith

One day I came across an article about the different ways one can shave their pubic hair. Intrigued and bored I decided to try “The Martini Glass.” I’m not exactly the most artistic person, in-fact I’m awful but I tried my best. I was proud that it at least resembled a martini glass but it was far from perfect. I kept trying to even if out but I just kept making things worse. Eventually I forgot about my short-lived career as a pubic hair stylist and went about my day. That night I unexpectedly ran into my friend with benefits. I completely forgot about the deformed martini glass until he took off my underwear. Too late to do anything about it I decided to own it and play it off as a joke. He stared at it for a few seconds then laughed. I’m still unsure if he was laughing with me or at me.161918_217877070637_5073933_n

Tall Cans and Hibachi

by ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith

Directly after consuming three 24 oz’s of Coors Light, rather quickly, I pulled my boyfriend into his bedroom. I don’t know if it was the expensive Hibachi dinner we had earlier or the tall cans I basically chugged but all I wanted to do was go down on him. Out of nowhere a few minutes in I felt slightly queasy. I tried to ignore it but it wasn’t long before I felt that all to familiar, uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that never ends well. My immediate reaction was to run into the bathroom but I could tell he was really close. I wasn’t about to walk away now.. .all that work for nothing, nah. I knew he was only seconds away, so I made the decision to keep going. Each second he was closer to cumming and I was closer to vomiting privately in the comfort of the bathroom. Just as I saw the light at the end of this nauseating tunnel I lost control. He came as I waited for him to notice the small amount of regurgitated Hibachi on his dick. Luckily for me he had no idea.. that or he’s pretending that it never happened, either way lesson learned. 

EAT GREAT, EVEN LATE.

by ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith

The second he walked through the door it was on. He ripped and I literally mean ripped my clothes off. We moved to the living-room where he bent me over my couch and inserted himself inside me. Just as things were heating up he farted. No not a silent-but-deadly, or a quick fart. A long and loud fart. My initial reaction was to laugh but when he ignored it I knew making a joke of it was out of the question. As I continued to fight the urge to laugh, which became increasingly harder with every thrust, I smelt it. I spent the next minute or so trying to figure out what he had for dinner. I detected a hint of TacoBell. To avoid cracking up I was forced to cover my mouth with my hand and eventually shoved my face into my couch cushion.. I expected him to make a joke about after he finished, instead he acted like it never happen.. even though the smell still lingered.

Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ral

by ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith

We spent the majority of the afternoon making awkward eye contact from across the bar. After my fifth shot of Jameson he approached me. The second I heard his Irish accident I decided I was going to take him home. Nothing was going to get in my way. About an hour and half later we were stumbling into my apartment. One problem.. it was only 7pm and my roommate and her boyfriend were eating dinner in the living room. I went straight to the bathroom, quickly brushed my teeth and reapplied deodorant. I walked out feeling confident (AKA: drunk) and pulled him into my room in the middle of his conversation with my roommate. I don’t remember much but from what I was told we were pretty loud. My roommate and her boyfriend may have learned a little too much about me that evening and she’ll never let me live it down.

HOLD IT IN

by ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith

I immediately regretted my decision to wait and pee at his place when I saw that his toilet bowl was out of order. I reviewed my options. (1) I could use the bathroom in the hallway.. risking running into his parents. (2) I could tell him I was going to pee outside.. showing my true, unlady-like ways. I went with my last option… (3) HOLD IT IN. Obviously I should have just left but my exact text to him was – “Coming over to have sexual intercourse with you.” Yeah I said “sexual intercourse”.. it seemed more elegant than – “coming over to fuck you.” Of course I’m aware there was nothing elegant about any of this to begin with.  He picked me up and threw me onto the bed. Thus began the most uncomfortable sexual experience of my life- so far.  All I could think was do not pee on him or his sheets. After fifteen minutes of serious concentration – he came. I quickly ran to my car and stopped at the first Dunkin’ Donuts I saw.

HATE SEX

by ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith

I spent three years imagining different scenarios where I would punch him in the face, but one Sunday night I found myself on my way to his house. Although I should have been focused on all the horrible things he said and did years ago, I couldn’t help but reminisce with him about the fun times.. AKA sex. What is it about sex with someone you truly hate that is so great? That night I got my answer – the sex was about ME. Unlike guys I’ve liked or tried to impress, the only person I cared about pleasing was myself. Peace out shame and insecurities.. anything I wanted I did. The position I wanted, the speed I wanted. I even left before he came… revenge motherfucker. 

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